Originally posted on bringjusticeback July 28th 2016.
We we’re having a yard sale. I know that might be a strange place to start a story but it’s what caused me to write this so with your permission that’s where I’m going to start. It was toward the end of May and the Texas sun was already beating down on us pretty badly. We pulled out and unboxed Alex’s clothes from storage. It was mostly clothes and a few pieces of furniture we no longer needed since we moved into a much smaller place about a year ago.
I had a discussion with my wife Salicia just a few hours before about what we were going to sell and what we were going to keep. I was the one that was trying to sell everything, That way didn’t have to pay for a storage facility and.. Well, Alex is gone now. We lost him 276 days ago.
We decided to sell everything, at least another little boy could use some nice clothes we thought. Somehow we numbed the pain by remembering even if Alex were here these things wouldn’t fit him anymore. He would have grown so much. This December we would have celebrated his 9th Birthday if he we’re still with us.
Some of the things didn’t have many memories as he grew out of them so fast, If you a parent of a growing boy you know how that is, You buy some new PJ’s with Lighting Mcqueen on them that he just has to have and it feels like a matter of weeks later his belly button is peaking out of the bottom of his shirt. Of course you know he refuses not to wear them anymore claiming they fit just fine.
I’m a guy and my wife would gladly tell you how much of a guy I am, I hate asking for directions, admitting I need help and of course I throw the directions in the trash as soon as I open a box. Part of being a guy is always being the strong one, That is my job after all. Even tougher than being a guy, Is being a Dad. Even without Alex I still have to be a Dad to his little brother Jackson, He’s only two years old and only knows Alex from the pictures that still hang on our walls. Regardless of the pain, most days I manage to compartmentalize my emotions somewhere deep in order to carry on and be here for his Mom.
“Sell everything!” I told my wife, “We don’t need it anymore.” I justified.
The hardest part of having a yard sale is pricing things, If you’ve never had one let me give you a heads up, You are not going to get rich. The reason anyone has a yard sale is to get rid of things, make some space in the garage or get out of that storage bill. It’s mostly disheartening, Putting prices on things that you still remember purchasing for full price what seems like a matter of months ago even if it’s been 10 years. Everything has a price though, If it’s on the table you can have it with the right amount of spare change in your pocket.
I’m a businessman so pricing things was difficult for me, I was trying to calculate original value minus depreciation, plus demand, minus cost of maintenance and of course cost of square footage per month for storage. “Desk lamp!” My wife would yell out, “$15.00!” I would say. “Are you kidding me?” my wife snapped back with. “It’s a yard sale Josh, $2.50.” She would say as she stuck a sticker on it.
Then we would come across one of those items, the ones that as a parent you feel like there is no price in the world you could put on it but you know keeping it forever wont help anyone. Here are some of the items we had to price:
Brand new boys shoes still in box, never worn. We thought he would grow into them soon.
Dinosaur bedding set complete with stuffed dinosaur that doubles as a pillow. He loved dinosaurs and of course his Mom wouldn’t stop showering him with all things dinosaur just to see a smile on his face.
Remote controlled toy car. This item however did not come with the silly little boy’s laughter you would hear after he would constantly drive it unto your feet while you were walking. I can still hear that sound when I hold it in my hands.
A little stuffed bear rightfully named “Beary”. We probably spent $25 trying to win it at the first and unknowingly the last carnival we would ever take him too.
We went through dozens and dozens of items and somehow managed to put a price on them. We both acted like we were ok although we weren’t. We would say things like “Alex would want someone to play with it” or “This wouldn’t fit him anyway” to encourage each other while pricing things. Then I came across his Tony Hawk jacket we bought him at Target. We purchased it little big so he wore it for a long time because of that there was a lot of memories that came along with it, Like the time I taught him how to fly a kite for the first and again unknowingly the last time. I took a deep breath and put it on the table with the rest of his clothes.
As the yard sale continued on, a middle aged latino man came who had a son around the same age. He acted like he hit the jackpot of little boys clothes as he started picking out toys and clothes by the pile. “How much for the shoes? He asked while he pulled aside a large pile of clothing. Quickly without knowing it a blurted out a ridiculously high price for a yard sale hoping he wouldn’t buy them. He shook his head and then walked up to me holding Alex’s little Tony Hawk jacket. “How much?” he asked.
The tough manly guy in me, the one who had control of his emotions wanted to say $2.00. Instead I froze. It felt like we stood there for 5 minutes although it was probably only a matter of seconds. It felt like all of those feelings, all of that pain and sadness I had shoved behind a wall was assaulting me. In defense of those emotions I immediately became hostile inside. Why is Alex’s favorite jacket out here? I asked myself knowing I was the one that put it there. Who does this guy think he is trying to take it from me? We might need that jacket. What if it still smells like Alex? He loved that one, I can’t sell it. My internal hostility quickly turned to panic and fear. I knew that if I sold it I would never be able to see it again, Just like Alex. It would be gone forever. I would never be able to hold it in my hands and remember that day we flew kites together. In a panic I snatched it out of the man’s hands “It’s not for sale!” I proclaimed after staring at him for what felt like a small eternity.
I frantically ran inside and searched for a place it would be safe from the yard sale crowd. Finally, after searching I decided it would be safe in my office closet on a hanger hidden between my dress clothes. I was acting as if the crowd was going to raid my office or somthing. I shut the door and breathed a sigh of relief like I had just buried a treasure.
After hiding it I started thinking about my wife. What was I going to tell her? I told her we needed to sell everything because we didn’t need to hang on to it. Now I’m held up in my office hiding his little jacket in my closet. She will see that I’m weak I thought to myself. That I’m not as strong as I act. I quickly decided that I didn’t care, It’s mine, Alex’s precious little jacket will stay with my dress clothes until the time comes that his little brother can wear it. Then maybe, just maybe I’ll give it to him.
My name is Joshua Ford, I am a man who like any other man tries to rule his emotions with an iron fist but more than anything I am a father and a step-father. The last years we spent with Alexander his Mom was in a wheelchair unable to walk. I’ve spent way too many nights holding my wife as she cries herself to sleep while holding my tears in so I can be there to catch hers.
Salicia lost Alex 276 days ago I however lost him 1,171 days ago, Thats when a careless and crooked judge signed a piece of paper that said I could not have any type of contact with my step-son Alexander, regardless of the fact his Mom and I primarily raised him together since he was 3 years old. This was not done because of anything I had done, It was done simply because of the relationship Alex’s abusive father has with the judge that made the order.
After that order we lived 127 weeks trying to be a family, me caring for my wife in a wheelchair while sleeping in the garage so that she at least could see Alexander when she was allowed too. We passed his little brother back and forth through our garage entrance so I could help my wife care for him and Alex could still be at home with her. On October 26th of 2015, 276 days ago the judge completely terminated all visitation and parental rights my wife had as a mother to child. She hasn’t seen him since that day.
I’ve decided the only thing worse than losing a child is knowing he’s out there, still in danger and growing up without you, in a home that is unsafe while you have to continue your life trying to understand, that according to a legal document signed by one powerful man, your son is dead to you and if no one does anything about it, if no one holds this judge accountable you will never again spend a day flying kites, going fishing, ice skating or playing games at a carnival again
