I am writing this a little after 4:00am in the morning. Salicia’s pain peaked around 3:00am this morning. Sometimes we can plan her medication around a schedule. Sometimes she’s at the mercy of her CRPS and her dosing can’t be planned as we would like. Which leads to things like her pain waking her from her hard fought sleep. Or on nights like tonight, her brain is too tired from fighting seizures off to endure the pain, adding severe neurological side effects on top of the pain.
I went to sleep around midnight last night so I’m chugging along with 3 hours of sleep right now. Chugging probably isn’t the best of words to describe me right now. I don’t want to be awake. I am so very tired which seems to be a constant of my life for the past 3-4 years. In all honesty I’ve been tired a lot longer than that.
The past 3 to 4 years have just been a cause worth losing sleep over. Before that is was money, fun, building a company or drinking until the bartender cut my group of friends off at the bar. You know, dumb stuff that will all fade away one day or has already faded away. Thankfully. Giving of myself to my family, to the woman I love that God has so graciously given to me is a cause worth losing sleep over.
I sit down to write in my frustration this morning. 3 hours of sleep is not enough for the human body or mind. It’s not healthy… It’s not responsible. Clinically it is killing me and I’m shaving weeks or years off my life. But in all honesty I couldn’t think of a better reason to give up those years.
I pray that one day soon Salicia and I both can get the sleep we need. until then I pray that Jesus fills in the gaps and that our source of life comes form more than just sleep. That there would be Life from the Life giving Spirit inside of us. That we would have the strength to endure until healing. Healing on this side… or the other. Because healing on the other, can’t be stopped. No one, no powers can take that away from us. And holding on to healing on this side, is worth losing some sleep over.
